comedy

Comedy in the Court

| Chris

citc

It’s Friday, ya’ll! Time to roll on the floor laughing. Here’s another one coming from the workplace. This week’s installment features some excellent humor… courtesy of lawyers and defendants.

These were actually taken from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Hysterical, I tell ya! Enjoy!

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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

———————-

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

———————-

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

———————-

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

———————-

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ******* me?

———————-

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was getting laid!

———————-

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ******* me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

———————-

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

———————-

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

———————-

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

———————-

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people. Would you like to rephrase that?

———————-

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

———————-

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

———————-

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

———————-

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Too much stuff

| Chris

Well, it’s a good thing that this weekend is a long one. At least, for lucky me, it is. For three days, I get to prepare for my big move at the end of the month, by doing some cleaning, sorting and packing.

It’s amazing how much stuff you realize you have, when you’re packing. I don’t know about you, but me… I ain’t no pack rat, by any stretch of the imagination. I always make sure that I don’t keep things I don’t use in a year or two, more or less. Be it clothes, furniture, appliances, whatever. If possible, I’d rather have an empty space than useless clutter (although, my clutter may be someone else’s treasure).

Yeah. Stuff. Sometimes, you need them. Sometimes, they just sit there, taking up valuable real estate and gathering dust. And, what’s worse is that you sometimes need to carry them off from the old place to the new one, with absolutely no logical reason, whatsoever. So this weekend, I arranged for almost half of what I own to be picked up by the Salvation Army. Crazy? Always! Yep, I could’ve done a yard sale but I opted to simply donate a roomful of unused goods instead. Free printer, scanner, CD changer, two beds, a couch, coffee table, portable heater, box fan, two juice extractors, office swivel chairs, assorted kitchen appliances and utensils, folding picnic chairs, flower vases and tons more. I feel so much lighter already!

However, all this packing is so exhausting, it made me want to take a little breather and have some laugh. It’s a good way to unwind. And, what better way to do this than to get a dose of classic George Carlin. So, here you go. In this routine, he yaks about, what else… stuff.

This is a riot, y’all! Enjoy it!

My funny Valentine

| Chris

When you have just gone through a recent divorce and Valentine’s day suddenly rolls in out of nowhere, as if intentionally aiming to rub salt on your wounds, you can’t help but feel a little out of place, to say the least. Luckily, I was able to dodge the temptation of being inconceivably annoyed all day, by simply cranking out some soothing tunes. Of course, courtesy of my Valentine’s Greatest Hits MP3 playlist. Let’s see… Love Stinks, Love Hurts, Love Bites, Love Kills, Love Sucks… you get the idea.

Just kidding. But I did watch all those videos, mind you!

However, I actually spent  all of yesterday laughing and enjoying work. And gobbling up massive amounts of heart-shaped cookies in the lunch room. I also shot video footage of a seminar. And, while my camera was roaming around the room, my mind was actually preoccupied with the thoughts of the stand-up comedy routine called Love Songs, by the late Richard Jeni. It’s a classic and outrageously funny. People probably thought I was laughing at them.

Okay, I had already posted it here sometime ago but I just had to post it again, in the spirit of the occasion. If you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor and hit play. It’ll do you good, I promise.

No sharing allowed!

| Chris

They’re probably just having a rough day. Or something.

I have to assure myself, with a somewhat logical reason, why some people seem to be acting like I’m their worst enemy. What did I do to them? I thought. Looking back, I don’t think I’ve ever had an issue with anyone giving me bad customer service. Oh, heck yeah, it always annoys the daylights out of me. However, I do not react. Ever. At least, not outwardly. And, especially, NOT in a restaurant situation. Oooh, that’s a no no!!!

Still and all, I had an interesting encounter with an older woman (think Church Lady from SNL), who served at an Italian restaurant in Atlanta. This was an experience I had years ago, while my then girlfriend and I were on a date, one night. For reasons I can only speculate, this lady seemed unhappy to do her job at that moment. Hopefully, it was just a bad timing. But for the most part, she was exceptionally rude and cranky. She talked over us while we were discussing what to order. She was rough-handed in setting the plates on our table. And you should’ve seen the look on her face. Priceless!

Despite all the creepiness, the one thing that kept me laughing to this day was, when she spotted us from a distance, sharing our food. Oh my! As if she had intended to find fault, and see us through our misery via her brand of punishment. She marched towards our table and spoke with an indignant tone in her voice.

“NO SHARING ALLOWED!” “But, isn’t it…” “I said, no sharing allowed!” “Well, how about…” “There’s a six dollar fee for sharing your food!” “Okay, fine but..” “Six dollars, do you want it?” YES! Already! Geez!

The thing of it is, that we were aware the food we ordered didn’t cost that much more than six bucks, anyway. We could’ve just ordered another plate, and it would’ve been more cost-effective. Yet, it was such a stupid situation, it just didn’t matter anymore. I wasn’t about to allow it to steal anymore time from my date than it already had, at that point. So, we just laughed it off, and had a burger somewhere, later that night.

Anyhow, I was going through some Mitchell and Webb skits on Youtube last night and I happened upon this particular bit, called Bad Waiter. It instantly reminded me of my own experience that night. Now, this skit may be a bit of an exaggeration, but it’s really not that much further from the real story. It’s so funny, it’s not even funny. If that makes any sense.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

A whale in Tennessee?

| Chris

More dumb laws to make me laugh? Sweet!!! Just what I needed! 🙂

An excerpt from CNN; 12/27/07

In California, no vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

In Florida, if an elephant, goat or alligator is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

In Montana, it is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

In Oregon, a door on a car may not be left open longer than necessary.

In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile. (Good luck finding a whale in Tennessee!)

Want more? Knock yourself out!

Peace… and the joke of the day

| Chris

Well, TGIF, first and foremost! As if the last weekend wasn’t long enough. Here we go again with another four-day-no-work marathon. Not that I’m complaining, though. I just have a lot of work piled up on my desk right now, and I can’t wait to get on with these projects, already. Pardon me, but it’s how much I love what I do. 🙂

Right this moment, though… I just got done reading my friend’s latest post in nine months. About time, dude. Now, after having written two posts on excruciatingly heavy topics, I’m ready to crack some of my infamous corny jokes (my ex-wife thinks I’m the king of corn, btw, and I love it). However, Mike never misses to grab my attention by inserting profoundly weird stuff in between his paragraphs, such as… I don’t have it figured out, but it’s a peaceful place to be.

Suddenly, I forget the joke. Great!

Not to accidentally open up a new can of worms, again, I just thought I’d quickly ponder on that little nugget of a line there from ye ol Mike. It is, indeed, very nice to have peace, by choice. To not have to figure things out before you’re able to function. To not have to worry about unanswered questions. Or what other people think. To not have to know what tomorrow will bring. Or, what next year will bring, for that matter. Because you’re confident that whatever happens, and however it happens, that it’s going to be alright. But again, it’s a choice.

So, let’s enjoy today, shall we? And let tomorrow worry about itself.

Hey, didn’t I read that somewhere?

Anyhow, chew on that thought, will ya?

Meanwhile, I’ll go chew some dindin.

Cuz, me so hungry… 🙂

Hot Pants!

| Chris

For some reason, I have been craving a good laugh lately. Even today, after coming home from work, I was all over the comedy channel, jibjab and youtube trying to find jokesters whom I could get my fix from.

And then I stumbled upon this short film that I used to love. It came out around seven years ago, I think. You see, in the late 90’s, before Youtube, there was Hypnotic, a place where you could watch short films. I found this one on there when it first came out. But Hypnotic disappeared and it was gone for a while. I was glad to find out it’s available on youtube today.

But I won’t ruin it for you. If you have about eight minutes to spare, this one will be worth your time, I promise. It goes by pretty quick.

Oh, just when you thought it couldn’t get worse… uhh, the ending’s an absolute riot!! You’ll see.

Laughing… 87 billion hours a day

| Chris

I love a good laugh and I try to have one every chance I get. I’m finding myself reminiscing of the old stand-up shows I used to catch a lot of back in my L.A. days. Last night, I scoured youtube for some classic comedy routines I was familiar with. Most of them were from SNL. You know, more cowbell, chopping broccoli, Belushi and Carey. But I remember this particular one which I actually saw live some fifteen years ago. It’s the late Richard Jeni  making fun of love songs on the radio. You might remember it yourself. I’ve seen him do this several times, and even though this one right here doesn’t provide the greatest punchlines, from what I can remember, he still pulls it off perfectly, I think. This is hilarious.

It’s a classic. So, laugh with me, will ya?