relationships

Like Father Like Son

| Chris

On May 26th, it will have been my dad’s 84th birthday.

Time. Wow! Time can be so merciless. I can still vividly remember him taking me to the barber. And I hated it every time! Perhaps, I’ve always wanted my hair long.

I realize how undeserving of God’s kindness I am. He’s been so good to me all my life. And I am complete today because of him.

Yet, if there was one regret I have in life, it would be that I failed to forge a meaningful relationship with my earthly father. A dreadful iniquity on my part. And the aftermath will no doubt continue to weigh on me for as long as I live.

This song I wrote is not so much a tribute as it is a confession. A longing. A moment in sackcloth and ashes, if you will. It was a difficult one to write, for sure.

I wish I could tell my dad, for both the first and last time, that I love him. Because I truly did! But it’s a bit too late now, isn’t it? I was given countless chances and I blew them all.

Indeed, time’s up.

Midnight conversations

| Chris

Late last night I was awakened by a loud, tacky ring tone from my cell (which reminds me, I need to change that to something a little less disturbing asap). But I didn’t catch it soon enough as I was way out in dreamville at that point. Although, I heard the tail end of the ring just enough to realize I was getting a call.

So, I rolled around my bed and tried to reach for the phone. As I stretched my arm to grab it, I got a little agitated thinking, who in the world could this be. I thought, this better be good. And then I immediately thought of Deb, my ex. I know that she likes to talk to me but doesn’t have the time to do it except in the dead of night. Oh, great! However, she knows better not to call me at that particular time during weekdays.

Anyhow, sure enough, it was her. So, I called her back and we chatted for what seemed to be a couple of hours at least. I must be getting old as I could hardly hang in there that late. Everytime, I had to ask her a second time what she just said.

It was good though. I’m just glad to know she’s okay. She did sound good. She told me she started going back to church and that she’s been going after new friendships. She even had a good Thanksgiving with her dad. But she took him to Cracker Barrel? On Thanksgiving? Aren’t you suppose to roast your own turkey instead?

Oh well, I just thought that maybe she’s actually doing better than I though she was. In fact, even better than I am… as I have not been able to do those same things myself yet. I don’t know. Sometimes, I just don’t know where I’m at, even though I want to insist that I do. Trying to forget everything and starting anew is easier said than done. Especially, when there really wasn’t a reason to forget anything in the first place.

I miss her. She misses me. This is so tragic.

These midnight conversations that we have every now and then could both be a blessing and a curse. It keeps our memories of each other from getting sour and preserves our ability to remain friends. But at the same time, it doesn’t allow us to move on and look to see what lies ahead of us. I can’t maker her stop calling me. I’m afraid I don’t want to.

Really makes me think of that U2 song… I can’t live with or without you.

Okay, I’m getting sappy now.

Just my two shekels

| Chris

A year ago this month, I completed a CD project called “A Dark in the Light.” Yep! It’s been a long year alright. Now, it’s just a buzzphrase for me and it’s everywhere that I am. Or so it seems. Well heck, it’s even gone to be the grand poobah title of my blogsite now, if you haven’t noticed yet!

There was a reason that phrase came about, by the way. Or why I titled my last CD such. And obviously, because of its spiritual undertone, it’s sometimes difficult to zero in on a fair interpretation. So, what’s with the phrase? Well, as you may have already found out, last year was a tough emotional year for me, to say the least. No, there wasn’t any falling out or anything bad like that. In fact, I held on pretty good despite the bitter times. But more on this in a while.

A few weeks back, I was able to port my journal here in wordpress from my old and dated platform. Finally. I’m still as excited about it today as I was the day it went live. And since then, I have shouted through the rooftops… and the world (at least my own little world) has heard and found out about it. And I thank everyone who takes the time to read my rants. Or should I say, random thoughts. Because that’s what they are.

Anyhow, I’m writing this entry in hopes of shedding some light on the phrase “A Dark in the Light” as some of you have asked me about it. This would probably be good for my sanity as well. So here it goes…

On the rocksWell, besides sounding simply cool :-), this was, in fact, exactly how I felt during the time Deb and I decided to end our relationship. If you have read some of my entries from mid last year, you would’ve heard a sad tone in between the lines. Some of my friends even commented in a jokingly manner that whenever I speak of my dog, they’re not sure if it’s really the dog I’m talking about or someone else. But of course, they knew. Although, back then I couldn’t even bear to think about it, much less talk about it. So I blurred my words a bit to dodge some of this pain I had never felt before in my life. But somehow I had to deal to heal.

But back to what I was saying… when Deb and I split up in April of last year, I had to look in the mirror to see if I really knew myself or if I had only been putting on a mask all my life. I wasn’t even sure anymore. After all these years of living a somewhat radical life of faith in God, I am now being overcome by waves of confusion. For the first time ever, I am seeing a complete stranger in me. If that makes any sense.

I have always believed and feared God. And my life revolved around the essence of Him being the light in the dark alley that I walk through everyday. And because of this sheer conviction, I am somehow able to walk and live life confidently. No, things didn’t always happen the way I wanted them to. Not by a long shot! But as far as I can remember, I was always relieved that this was the case or I may have been regretful of a lot of things… that is, if I was in control of my own life. And so, when things didn’t work out in my marriage, eventually, I thought of myself as this shameful dark figure walking about in the light. As in, a dark spot on an otherwise spotless surface. A distinct blemish. A stain on a white shirt. Umm, a party crasher? Or still… an unworthy son.

Unworthiness. Yes! Unworthiness is, in fact, the overwhelming theme of the phrase “A Dark in the Light.” Shame is overcome by grace, guilt by forgiveness and failure by a second chance. But, on through the life beyond this one, unworthiness remains. It’s in the blood and will never wash out.

Okay, I have no intentions of sounding religious whatesoever. I apologize if I did. But I live a spiritual life and I’ll always have a spiritual perspective on anything I say or do. Sometimes when I speak it sounds philosophical but it’s really not. It’s all just a personal view.

My two shekels, if you will.

And like I’ve said in the past, my art reflects this as well. Especially in my music. So hey, listen to it sometime. Listen to A Dark in the Light! It’s about Deb, about friends, about family and about God. But, enough said. As Steven Tyler would say… let the music do the talking!

Until next time…