This is not good

The plan was to start this long weekend with a positive and cheerful attitude. At least, that was my original plan. I tried. However, I just got off the phone with Deb, my ex, about an hour ago.

This is not good, I’m telling you. This is NOT GOOD! I should not have answered her call. But, that would’ve been rude, I guess. I don’t know. Maybe, we should not have been talking for hours, at least. But, I couldn’t let go. I am tortured. What a way to start the new year.

Although, I think, I kind of pushed her away somehow, by telling her to not expect me to call her, ever. But, I’m thinking, she shouldn’t be calling me, in the first place. We’re never going to heal this way, I don’t think.

Hence, the quest to do the right thing, continues.

I’m just being real and open about where I’m at. So, please bear with me.

I think, I’m back in the mud, this moment. I hate this. I even started listening to these sappy songs again. Like this one, I wrote for her when I first asked her to be my girlfriend, long time ago. It was about a prediction I was hinting on. Since Christmas is my favorite time of year, I wanted to celebrate it on our wedding day. In June.

It’s all just a memory now, though. But, I don’t want to throw it away, yet. It was a big part of my life and I still treasure it to this day.

Christmas is Coming

The sun comes down
It’s cold outside
Snow falls to the ground
Like a leaf on a tree
So tears leave my eyes
When you’re not around

How long shall I wait for you my wife
How long shall I hold my breath before I die

Christmas is coming
It’s coming soon
Christmas is coming
We’ll wait by the moon
Christmas is coming
I’ll be with my love
As we celebrate our time
Our Christmastime in June

In my thoughts I recall
The cry of the ocean
Under the midnight sky
We walked on the shore
We played in the sand
How could I even say goodbye

A little nutty

Coming home from work this afternoon, I just felt spent that I’m now looking forward to nothing but a relaxing weekend. Maybe do a little writing. A little reflection. So, to kick things off, I fix myself dinner, turn on the TV and unwind.

I found this show on Animal Planet called In Search of the King Cobra. Now, I’m not particularly enamoured by watching anything that slithers, really. But what’s interesting to me is that the host of this show, Andrew Stevens, is a wildlife photographer. Here, he goes to India in search of the biggest venomous snake in the world just so he could, uhm… have a little kodak moment? I mean, I could hardly swallow my linguine as the guy hams around in a snakepit like a child in a sandbox. He holds the reptile on one hand and macro-focuses his camera on the other, all the while, elucidating on the chilling facts of having little to no chance of survival upon being bitten by one. There’s a right way to do it, he says, on staying on the safe side. I say, he’s a little nutty.

But now that the show’s over, I’m able to catch my breath again and reflect on another fact that I, this time, have picked up from this experience. It’s interesting to note that being an artist of any medium requires an amount of expertise on the subject chosen to really capture some kind of magic. And in some cases, preserve your life as well. Risks are always involved; and not knowing your subject by heart can be an outright injustice, if not an imminent danger, to your purpose.

One weekend last summer, I was at the park trying to brush up on my nature photography skills when I noticed this lady who seemed to be holding her own session also. It appeared to me that she wasn’t in a hurry at all like I was. I wanted to simply shoot and shoot and shoot and go home. After all, who in their right mind would want to stand out there in the sweltering heat? But this lady, she was patient. Crazy patient. She was standing at a distance waiting for the perfect opportunity to capture the perfect composition. That one quick moment when the birds fly over the tree as the right amount of clouds, for a quick moment, covers the sun to minimize its glare, so as to create the perfect color and contrast. To capture honesty, one must understand what it is and the conviction it would take to find it. Seeing that made me realize, I have a long way to go to really know what I’m doing.

starry starry nightI remember going to a Van Gogh exhibit a long time ago when his paintings were on display at the L.A. Museum. It was surreal to be able to feel and understand the painful life he lived through the colors that he chose and the way his brush strokes seemed to have danced to the same melancholic tune that was playing in the background. I could almost imagine myself being transported to 19th century Paris for a moment. I saw that he knew what he needed to convey. And how to convey it. It was a bold statement. To express the vulnerability that he did for the whole world to see a century later. The story of his life shot through his fingers, gushing out in vivid color, immortalized on meager canvas.

The same goes with music, I guess. I’ve had my fair share of crummy compositions. I must have written at least three hundred songs in the last twenty five years but only a handful were decent enough to be appreciated. And therefore, recorded. After all these years, I am still searching everytime for what to do and how to do it. And more importantly, how to do it right. I admit that I have not mastered the art that I so much consider to be my lifeblood. Perhaps due to a lack of boldness. It’s frustrating at times.

And this brings me to the dreaded subject of my recent life. Again. Oh, how painful it is to live through your days and not know what the right thing is. Does anyone really know? It seems we’re all just guessing and shooting in the dark. I mean, I do read the Bible and you really can’t be any more direct than what it says. Alright already! I got it! And yet, our dreaded flesh seems to be either stubborn or stupid. Maybe even both. It just wouldn’t do what it knows it should do. It tries and it fails. It tries again and it fails again. I get tired sometimes.

Right now, I am in the middle of a healing process. I’m in the middle of wanting to do what I need to do. But couldn’t do it yet. Not yet. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe someday. I can’t see too far in the future. Everything is too much to handle right now. Too much to think about. Right now, I need patience. Yours and mine. As I try to find my way out of this mess. And as I try to find the right thing to do.

Or, maybe I just need to be a little nutty myself.

The Right Thing To Do

There was a time not long ago
When things were uncomplicated
Didn’t have to stray too far from the light
Now I’m torn between myself
And my pride can’t hear you clearly
I can’t even see what’s plain in sight

Cuz my eyes are so busy
Busy searching for the right thing to do
And my mind is so busy
Busy wonderin’ what’s the right thing to do

I clench my fist so tight it hurts my feelings
To do this to myself and to you
And wandering in the darkness
Is not the best use of my time
But there’s nothing yet for me to do

Cuz right now my eyes are busy
Busy looking for the right thing to do
And my mind is busy
Busy wondrin’ what’s the right thing to do

When times go rough, you walk a thin line
When clouds roll by, you slip and fall
And underneath your bed is a monster
It keeps you from your dreams of tonight
Tomorrow and forever

I woke up this morning with the sun above my head
And the promise of a new day at hand
With a smile on my face I tried to pick up the pieces
From the stormy seas I pray to reach land… someday

Till then my eyes will be busy
Busy searching for the right thing to do
My mind will be busy
Busy wondrin’ what’s the right thing to do
Till then my hands will be busy
Busy searching for the right thing to do
And my heart will be busy
Busy longing for the right thing