sad – Chris Alma José

The plan was to start this long weekend with a positive and cheerful attitude. At least, that was my original plan. I tried. However, I just got off the phone with Deb, my ex, about an hour ago.

This is not good, I’m telling you. This is NOT GOOD! I should not have answered her call. But, that would’ve been rude, I guess. I don’t know. Maybe, we should not have been talking for hours, at least. But, I couldn’t let go. I am tortured. What a way to start the new year.

Although, I think, I kind of pushed her away somehow, by telling her to not expect me to call her, ever. But, I’m thinking, she shouldn’t be calling me, in the first place. We’re never going to heal this way, I don’t think.

Hence, the quest to do the right thing, continues.

I’m just being real and open about where I’m at. So, please bear with me.

I think, I’m back in the mud, this moment. I hate this. I even started listening to these sappy songs again. Like this one, I wrote for her when I first asked her to be my girlfriend, long time ago. It was about a prediction I was hinting on. Since Christmas is my favorite time of year, I wanted to celebrate it on our wedding day. In June.

It’s all just a memory now, though. But, I don’t want to throw it away, yet. It was a big part of my life and I still treasure it to this day.

Christmas is Coming

The sun comes down
It’s cold outside
Snow falls to the ground
Like a leaf on a tree
So tears leave my eyes
When you’re not around

How long shall I wait for you my wife
How long shall I hold my breath before I die

Christmas is coming
It’s coming soon
Christmas is coming
We’ll wait by the moon
Christmas is coming
I’ll be with my love
As we celebrate our time
Our Christmastime in June

In my thoughts I recall
The cry of the ocean
Under the midnight sky
We walked on the shore
We played in the sand
How could I even say goodbye

It was a year ago today (Actually, three days ago, but who’s counting?), since my trip back home to Manila. I feel sad that I’m not able to go this time. And it doesn’t help to think either, that before that, the last time I was home was in 1987.

You would then think ,that last year’s trip was nothing short of a joyous and momentous occasion. And it was. I am grateful, indeed. But maybe, it was my divorce right around the same time which made the trip a little bit of a blur now, as well.

I actually felt so bad also, that I hardly remembered the city I grew up in. The streets seemed narrower. And the traffic, unfathomable! The population, doubled. Half of them trying to cross the superhighway! Yikes! And, is that our house? You gotta be kidding me! But it was. And the food! I enjoyed it very much. Unfortunately, the ol’ beloved flavors seemed to have left my palate. Oddly, most of them tasted almost foreign to me. I was left wondering if this was, in fact, the same food I grew up eating.

One day, my brother drove me to my old high school and university. Wait, wasn’t this the football field? What’s this building doing down here, then?

For the first time, I had met my sister-in-law, my niece, my nephew and a few cousins too. For the first time! Where have I been? My dad is now sporting a cane? He used to be Robert DeNiro in Goodfellas. What happened? I’m glad, though, that my mom is still the same ol’ spunky woman she’s always been! The only one that has not changed or aged a single minute, I’m not even kidding, was my old pal, Buddy! Best friend since third grade. He’s still the same ol’ crazy redhead who’s more concerned about his Nikon camera than life itself! I love the guy.

But today, I am left with nothing but memories. Although, I had a great time then, I was sad. Still sad, as a matter of fact. Sad because I could’ve enjoyed it even more but I didn’t. Sad because I could’ve given to my family more but I didn’t. And sad because I seemed to have forgotten a lot about home.

Yes, I was a stranger in my hometown.