There was this database file that I trashed months ago. It contained blog entries that go all the way back to oh, let’s see… ’02, ’03 maybe. That’s when I was still hosting the blog myself (uh, I’m glad those days are over). I believe it had some rantings on a topic about a song I was writing at that time. I was really emotional about it from what I can remember. I wish I could’ve preserved them. Well, shame on me, Mr. delete happy!!!

Regarding the song, I didn’t finish it until sometime last year. It’s now on the compilation A Dark in the Light (geez, this thing is really getting quite a bit of attention lately, haven’t you noticed?). So, what’s the song called? Why, you guessed it… Shame on Me. I haven’t heard it in a while but I listened to it today, just because I like the song. And unexpectedly, it brought tears to my eyes. It brought me back in time.

Talk about sheer vulnerability. I really exposed my heart and soul on this one. Didn’t mince a word at all. And it’s the only song that took me almost four years to write. Yep. A jagged little guilt pill that took time for me to swallow. But I had to move on so, guess what? Gulp!

And still gulping today, to be honest.

The story of the song deals with my Christianity. And how I somehow misused and abused it. In the name of God even. Ha! I can somehow laugh at my foolishness now but it was something that almost killed me spiritually during those days when my eyes were first opened. In this song, I speak to six people. At least. None of them knew each other, I don’t think. We were friends. Buddies. Supposedly. At different times and places. But I guess I was an expert more on the rules and regulations back then than the simpler things in life like compassion, understanding and tolerance.

I really wish I could see them again and ask for forgiveness. I have no idea where they are now. All I know is that, at least, three of them walked away and disappeared for good. And one of them has died in an accident. That was when I knew I had to finish this song or I would lose my mind.

In a nutshell, this song is a plea for forgiveness.

But if I have to tell the whole story, I’d be sitting here for days. So, I’ll let you listen to the song instead.

Don’t just hear, though… listen.

Shame on Me

Shame on me
For trying to build a fence around eternity
Shame on me
For suffocating and stifling your ability
And all the pride I’ve shown
The stories overblown infuse the pain

Shame on me
For plundering your only source of sanity
Shame on me
For walking down the road that only leads to me
And everyone I left behind
The trail of shadows’ all you find, it stabs my soul
And every time I see your eyes
They penetrate into my guise

I’m losing all the love I had to give
I’m leaving all the life I hoped to live
I’m seeing another side of me
In the mirror, it’s getting clearer
Shame on me

The blame’s on me
For being the judge instead of your defender
Yeah, blame it on me
For counting all the days till you surrender
And every time you earn a prize
It never seizes to surprise

I’m losing all the love I had to give
I’m leaving all the life I hoped to live
I’m seeing another side of me
In the mirror, it’s getting clearer
Blame it on me

I need your water
I stole your life, it’s unfair
I need your water
You can take my blood, if you care
But I need your water
To quench the thirst of despair

Shame on me
For when I took away your independence
Shame, shame on me
For all the times I doubted your repentance
And every time you’re left alone
My conscience turned to stone, so

I’m losing all the love I had to give
I’m leaving all the life I hoped to live
I’m seeing another side of me
In the mirror, it’s getting clearer
It’s clear now that

I’m losing the wealth I’ll never find again
I’m leaving the only place I wish I’ve been
I’m seeing a different kind of me
In the mirror, it’s getting clearer
Shame on me

—————
To Ricky, Nick, Myles, Will, Dustin (RIP) and JC.