music

Where death is life

| Chris

Nothing feels better to me than sitting on the couch with a cup of hot chocolate while looking out the window watching as the snow falls to the ground. This is the life! This is one of those extraordinary moments I look up to the foggy white skies and stare. And know that God is staring back at me. I think we both love the snow. I can just tell.

It’s a wonderful feeling.

At this time, I turn off the TV and listen to some shuffled music while surfing on the web. Soon, one of my songs starts to play. A very old song from around ten years ago. This, suddenly has aroused my memories of the first time I had experienced getting high on God. I treasure those times because they were very poignant and sincere. Very child-like.

Not that it isn’t that way anymore, however. But back then, I was constantly writing songs about being in awe of all the elements of my faith. And how it truly transformed my life into a very meaningful and purposeful one. And also, how it gave me the strength to walk the seemingly endless desert I’ve been dwelling in these past few years.

It’s amazing to me though, that I thought of snow the day I wrote this song. Like I imagined it being sung up in the clouds. After all, this song speaks of heaven. Now it really blends well listening to it on a snowy, wintry day. It just blows my mind that I wrote this song in the heat of summer in Los Angeles back in 1997. Maybe, that’s why I’m not there anymore. I don’t know.

Anyhow, I feel grateful. This song is a wall to lean on to right now. It’s where water turns to wine. It’s where tears turn into laughter. It’s where death turns into life… tonight tomorrow and forever.

Share in my joy, will you?

Tonight Tomorrow and Forerver

Into the deepest part of me
You dive into my conscience
You knit the fabric of my soul
My heart turns into clay
Though you smash it into pieces
When it gets too hard to shape
You tear my world apart
And bring me to a brand new place

Where death is life
Where laughter is the tears I cried
Where pain brings comfort tonight

I’m standing underneath the moonlight
Gazing up into your house
I try to reach out my hands to touch you
Just wanting to feel your warmth
When I get so lost inside my own little thoughts
You reach out your hands and grab me
I close my eyes but there’s no darkness
Your light shines bright, I can see my way back home

Where death is life
Where laughter is the tears I cried
Where pain brings comfort tonight

Tonight, tomorrow and forever
Tomorrow and forever
Tonight, tomorrow  and forever
Yeah, I wanna be with you

Where death is life
Where laughter is the tears I cried
Where pain brings comfort tonight

Yeah, I wanna be with you

Where death is life
Where laughter is the tears I cried
Where pain brings comfort tonight

Tonight, tomorrow and forever

Jagged little guilt pill

| Chris

There was this database file that I trashed months ago. It contained blog entries that go all the way back to oh, let’s see… ’02, ’03 maybe. That’s when I was still hosting the blog myself (uh, I’m glad those days are over). I believe it had some rantings on a topic about a song I was writing at that time. I was really emotional about it from what I can remember. I wish I could’ve preserved them. Well, shame on me, Mr. delete happy!!!

Regarding the song, I didn’t finish it until sometime last year. It’s now on the compilation A Dark in the Light (geez, this thing is really getting quite a bit of attention lately, haven’t you noticed?). So, what’s the song called? Why, you guessed it… Shame on Me. I haven’t heard it in a while but I listened to it today, just because I like the song. And unexpectedly, it brought tears to my eyes. It brought me back in time.

Talk about sheer vulnerability. I really exposed my heart and soul on this one. Didn’t mince a word at all. And it’s the only song that took me almost four years to write. Yep. A jagged little guilt pill that took time for me to swallow. But I had to move on so, guess what? Gulp!

And still gulping today, to be honest.

The story of the song deals with my Christianity. And how I somehow misused and abused it. In the name of God even. Ha! I can somehow laugh at my foolishness now but it was something that almost killed me spiritually during those days when my eyes were first opened. In this song, I speak to six people. At least. None of them knew each other, I don’t think. We were friends. Buddies. Supposedly. At different times and places. But I guess I was an expert more on the rules and regulations back then than the simpler things in life like compassion, understanding and tolerance.

I really wish I could see them again and ask for forgiveness. I have no idea where they are now. All I know is that, at least, three of them walked away and disappeared for good. And one of them has died in an accident. That was when I knew I had to finish this song or I would lose my mind.

In a nutshell, this song is a plea for forgiveness.

But if I have to tell the whole story, I’d be sitting here for days. So, I’ll let you listen to the song instead.

Don’t just hear, though… listen.

Shame on Me

Shame on me
For trying to build a fence around eternity
Shame on me
For suffocating and stifling your ability
And all the pride I’ve shown
The stories overblown infuse the pain

Shame on me
For plundering your only source of sanity
Shame on me
For walking down the road that only leads to me
And everyone I left behind
The trail of shadows’ all you find, it stabs my soul
And every time I see your eyes
They penetrate into my guise

I’m losing all the love I had to give
I’m leaving all the life I hoped to live
I’m seeing another side of me
In the mirror, it’s getting clearer
Shame on me

The blame’s on me
For being the judge instead of your defender
Yeah, blame it on me
For counting all the days till you surrender
And every time you earn a prize
It never seizes to surprise

I’m losing all the love I had to give
I’m leaving all the life I hoped to live
I’m seeing another side of me
In the mirror, it’s getting clearer
Blame it on me

I need your water
I stole your life, it’s unfair
I need your water
You can take my blood, if you care
But I need your water
To quench the thirst of despair

Shame on me
For when I took away your independence
Shame, shame on me
For all the times I doubted your repentance
And every time you’re left alone
My conscience turned to stone, so

I’m losing all the love I had to give
I’m leaving all the life I hoped to live
I’m seeing another side of me
In the mirror, it’s getting clearer
It’s clear now that

I’m losing the wealth I’ll never find again
I’m leaving the only place I wish I’ve been
I’m seeing a different kind of me
In the mirror, it’s getting clearer
Shame on me

—————
To Ricky, Nick, Myles, Will, Dustin (RIP) and JC.

Leaving Los Angeles, Part 1

| Chris

The death of Kevin DuBrow yesterday had suddenly awakened my memories of Cali. I have been away from what I call my true home for about seven years now. And as much as I hate to admit it, I really miss the time I was there. Fifteen years. Fifteen years of In-N-Out Burgers, bohemian coffee houses, Venice beach bonfires, pink-haired neighbors, playing music and good friends. Those were fun times. Oh yeah, and the 24-hour taco stands. They’re the best!

Not that I don’t like where I am now. I love the peace and quiet that this town offers. It’s just different. I guess it was just time for a change.

But today, I miss L.A. I was reminiscing about the fun things I used to do there. Like performing at open mic nights in Santa Monica. Twice a week. For years! And playing countless gigs with several bands. Rock bands. Reggae bands. Jazz bands. Funk bands. You name it. It was a lifestyle and I’m lucky to have lived that part of my dream.

On the radio this morning, I heard an old Eagles song. I immediately thought of the acoustic group I used to be a part of in the mid 90’s. I can still hear us playing Love Will Keep Us Alive. The beautiful vocal blends on the chorus and the fantastic arpeggios on the guitars. The name of our band, though, was such a schlok. I mean… Acoustic Harmony? Come on! Just because we were playing acoustic guitars and singing harmony vocals doesn’t mean we should call ourselves just that!

Acoustic HarmonyAnyhow, here’s a little picture of us playing at a club in Hollywood. Can you tell which one is me? Clue… I play the 12-string Yamaha. It’s been at least ten years and my hair has long been cut short.

Speaking of being cut short, there were two other activities in particular that I was involved in back then. Very special activities. These, I wish could have lasted a bit longer than they actually did. Thoughts of the events have stayed with me all these years. It’s all flooding back to me just now. It’s overwhelming. They’re real heartbreakers and I think I would need to take a little breather before I’m able to start expounding on them.

You can wait, can’t you?

Cum on feel the noize, cuz life is short

| Chris

The house is so cold! I’m trying to conserve energy (no, money) by turning down the heater in the morning before leaving for work. I just stepped in a minute ago and it’s like the arctic in here. Maybe I should start skimping less before someone finds me frozen on my couch one of these days.

Oh well… not intending to dwell on morbid thoughts, I couldn’t help but think of what I just read in the news today. This may sound insignificant, or even pathetic to some, but I was stunned by the news of Kevin DuBrow’s death.

Kevin who?

For those of you who were not lucky enough (or very lucky, in fact; depends on how you see it) to have been part of the mid ’80s Sunset Strip scene in Los Angeles, Kevin was the lead singer of the heavy metal band Quiet Riot. Ahhh… suddenly, memories of seeing the band on stage flood my thoughts. The atrocious scent of hairspray from the hair-extention of the guy in front of me while standing in line at The Whisky lingers in the air. And my ears could very well be ringing in the next few days once again.

Kevin and his band weren’t really my cup of tea, although I did enjoy their shows. But being a part of that whole scene for years, you can’t help but feel something. I mean, regardless of who it was who died, it is tragic. And the news of Kevin’s death is definitely heartbreaking.

But I can already hear the speculations, the negative things being buzzed around. Sardonic remarks such as… his metal health ran out (okay, sorry, I made that one up). We can all be judgmental one way or another. It’s easy to do. But one day we too shall pass. And be judged. That’s what’s even more scary to me.

This is making me think how short life really is. And how precious. I mean, I can remember some twenty years ago like it was just this morning. You know, everybody’s young and vibrant. And cocky. And then, all of a sudden, it seems like half of them are dead now; or dying. Even I feel my age so much more now than I ever have before. It’s like, it’s just a matter of time, you know.

I’m not trying to sound spooky here but as much as you want to focus on life itself, the reality of life is that it stops at some point. Sometimes, sooner than later, as in the case of Kevin’s. And however you choose to believe what happens afterwards doesn’t take away the significance of how you choose to view and treat your present life right here, right now. At least for me, I try to treat it like a savings account. Like an investment of sorts. I may not have a lot but as far as I’m persistent and continue to save a little at a time, it will eventually grow enough to support me in the end.

But that’s just me.

For now, Kevin deserves a moment of silence. A respectful silence. Whoever he was before doesn’t matter now. It’s none of our business. But as someone who’s had some sort of connection to him, if only because we stood at the same place at one point in time to enjoy the music, the fun and the beer (that was the extent of it for me, I promise!), it’s only right to allow him to rest in peace through faith that he’s in a better place now. I’d even like to think that he’s back jamming with his even more legendary buddy, Randy Rhoads. I guarantee you, I’m not the only one thinking of this proposition.

So here’s to Kevin DuBrow… rock and roll thunderbird. Peace, brother. May God have mercy on your soul. \m/