random thoughts

Burrrrrrr… and it’s only August

| Chris

Normally, my alarm clock does the trick in waking me up every morning at 6am. Even then, I beat it most of the time, since I go to bed really early.

I woke up at 5am this morning, just a few minutes ago. And it wasn’t the alarm that bugged me at the wrong hour. It was the cold temperature! Man, It’s only the second week of August and the readings here in cowboyland have only been in the 50s and such, in the past few days. It’s 45 degrees Fahrenheit right this moment and it’ll probably go up 7 degrees more, tops, today. Not that I’m complaining. I’m sick of the heat and am now ready for some snow! So, this was a pleasant surprise, in fact.

Well, I may just get what I want, eh? We’ll see. Meanwhile, I’m off to work, a happy camper! 🙂

(Don’t) Wait For Me

| Chris

This week’s SES prompt was a bit easier than the last one. Heck, I even got done writing and producing the song in under seven hours. That’s a first for me. Moreover, I like this one a little better than the first song, Standing in the Rain. I think I’m getting better at this. Well, I hope so.

Here’s my offering. By the way, I had to go the opposite direction as the phrase “Wait For Me” reminds me too much of the old Hall & Oates song. Love the tune but didn’t want mine to sound like it. Anyhow, without further ado…

Don’t Wait For Me

Don’t wait for me
Ain’t coming back to you now
Don’t wait to see
Where this may lead us somehow
I don’t believe it’s wrong
I’ve just been waiting so long
I hang my head low
As I try to find myself again, so

Don’t wait for me
I’ve given all I’ve got
It’s just not in me
To try to be the man I’m not
Can’t we be fair
Seems like we’re going nowhere
Go ahead and keep the door shut
And keep the good ol’ memories, but

Don’t wait for me
Please let me be on my own
Oh can’t you see
Right now I just need to be alone
Nothing else to say
Well then, I’ll be on my way
Nothing else to do
But just one last thing to remind you

Don’t wait for me…

© 2008 Chris Alma Jose

Comedy in the Court

| Chris

citc

It’s Friday, ya’ll! Time to roll on the floor laughing. Here’s another one coming from the workplace. This week’s installment features some excellent humor… courtesy of lawyers and defendants.

These were actually taken from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Hysterical, I tell ya! Enjoy!

———————-

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

———————-

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

———————-

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

———————-

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

———————-

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

———————-

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

———————-

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

———————-

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ******* me?

———————-

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was getting laid!

———————-

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ******* me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

———————-

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

———————-

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

———————-

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

———————-

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people. Would you like to rephrase that?

———————-

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

———————-

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

———————-

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

———————-

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I read the news today, oh boy

| Chris

Every Friday, in the office, we all seem to have worked ourselves out that a little funny goes a long way… down the hallway, that is. We get all kinds of jokes and stuff emailed to us just to lighten things up a bit and remind ourselves that the weekend is just moments away. Last Friday, this is what got passed around. It sure gave me enough gas to keep me running through the end of the day. Enjoy.

News Flash!

Funny Rich Man

| Chris

I seem to not have a reason to post this at all. The SES prompt for this week was a wee bit tricky for me. Believe me, I tried. But since I’m writing a song and not a story or a poem, it has to be presented in a recorded performance format. I think I got distracted by The Donald’s mugshot and couldn’t get the image out of my head. You really could do other things with the “Funny Rich Man” theme… it could even be a sad story, I think. But I was stuck with having to come up with something of a comedic nature. Something I’m not very good at. And when you attempt to write lyrics with a funny tone, it gets even harder when you have to put melody on top of it and sing it in a convincing manner. I just don’t have the stomach to go on with it without feeling silly or stupid. I couldn’t get away with it like Weird Al can.

So, here’s my incomplete offering. Just words. It’s suppose to be sung in a campy, novelty, over-the-top, rap rhyming style. Whatever that means. I’m sorry, I really just couldn’t pull it off. So again, for what it’s worth, here’s my chicken scratch…

Funny Rich Man

I got money, lots of money
I got humor and a Maserati
The top comes down, it’s cool, you dig
But I keep it up ’cause wind blows my……. papers

Now I’m boss ’round here, thought you should know
You don’t ask question, I run the show
Stick with me and you’ll go places
Do as I say and you’ll get your wishes

‘Cause I’m a funny rich man
That’s what I am
I’m a funny rich man
Rich and funny

You say you feel tired, it’s all in your head
We got work to do, take a break when you’re dead
‘Cause if you wanna work for my company
Better know our Mission… “It’s all about me Me ME!”

Now it ain’t so bad as you might think
We’re all laid back here (and I go wink wink wink)
They all like me here, and I like them folks
But when I try to act smart they better laugh at my jokes

‘Cause I’m a funny rich man
That’s what I am
I’m a funny rich man
Rich and funny

That’s right… Uhhh!!! Now, take it to the bridge!

© 2008 Chris Alma Jose

Oh, by the way, I wanted the music and groove to sound a bit like 70’s funk. With a James Brown feel (btw, the band didn’t take it to the bridge, and they all got fired in the end). Unfortunately, it ended up sounding more like David Bowie, I think. So, I had to stop. Here’s a sample clip. Please, don’t laugh!

I ran… but the 80’s won’t leave me alone!

| Chris

In respect for my good friend, Mike from the land of Tejas… I am now puttin’ on the Ritz, as well as my A Flock of Seagulls wig, in his honor, and rock back down to Electric Avenue, if you will. If only for a quick second.

This guy now a psychic on TVYes, yes, yes! As much as I now want to cover my head with a brown paper bag, I must admit that I, too, was a child of the dreaded 80’s and have shamelessly hopped in the Rubik’s Cube bandwagon on the way to the premiere of St. Elmo’s Fire. Though back then, my life was a bit more centered around music (Gee, what else is new?). When I’m not playing in a rock band, jamming on (cringes) Every Breath You Take, or worse, Rock You Like A Hurricane (takes knife and slits wrist), I’m spinning Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark records at a dance party thrown by Iceman and Maverick wannabes. And when I really, really, really had to sell (ok, pawn) my soul to the devil just to get some respect, I sang What A Fool Believes at the dingiest karaoke bars you’ll ever find. (Trivia.. I can do Michael McDonald better than Michael McDonald can do a Michael McDonald impersonation of Michael McDonald.)

So, there… I’ve come clean. I believe there is redemption through confession.

But for one last time, I am going back to the future to indulge my stuck-in-the-eighties friend by reliving some of my own memorable songs of the eighties. So, hop into my DeLorian as we cruise on down highway to the danger zone (somebody shoot me now).

Lords of the New Church – Method to our Madness
The Dead Boys introduced me to punk music. Since then, I’ve been a big fan of Steve Bators and everything he did. And hearing this supegroup of sorts for the first time was kind of a happy moment for me. Their version of Madonna’s Like a Virgin was also a riot.

China Crisis – You Did Cut Me
A lot of New Wave music kind of became what hair metal eventually ended up being… a fad. But there were a few that made me continue to listen. Aztec Camera, Tears For Fears, to name a couple… and these guys, of course. If Neil Peart of Rush thought China Crisis’ drummer was good, I just had to put the band on my favorite list. Besides, no wonder the musicianship is so good, Steely Dan had to interfere in the studio.

Slayer – Raining Blood
As much as I enjoyed hair metal, it was all for entertainment. But when I wanted to be inspired by technicians, I listened to Slayer. If I could sing like Tom does, or play guitar as fast as Jeff, I wouldn’t be blogging right now ’cause, pardon me, I’d be away on a world tour.

XTC – Respectable Street
I was slowly getting schooled on punk. Having been already soaked in 70’s rock, XTC’s Black Sea album spoke to me in an already familiar language as they seem to have the musicality of Led Zeppelin.

The Go Go’s – Vacation
I’ve always been a fan of girl rock. Not only do they diversify the genre, I thought they also give what seems to be a masculine form of music such a kick in the freakin’ orchestra!

Thomas Dolby – She Blinded Me With Science
I never thought how influential this song was on me until I saw him perform at a downtown warehouse club in San Francisco back in ’87. Simply brilliant.

Metallica – The Thing That Should Not Be
In the 80’s, it was all about taking to extreme whatever was already there. In 1985, this was probably the heaviest song I’ve heard since Black Sabbath. You can’t just forget little moments like that.

The Stray Cats – Rev It Up And Go
With all of the extreme changes in music that’s been happening, it was such a breath of fresh air to hear something that seemed to have come out of the fifties.

The Polecats – Make a Circuit with Me
Another one of those New Wave-era rockabilly groups that had nice catchy tunes that I never forgot about.

The Specials – A Message To You Rudy
My introduction to Ska. This song actually came out in ’79 but I was all over it during the early 80’s.

U2 – I Will Follow
One of those songs I jammed with my brother in our living room. It stuck with me ever since.

Echo & the Bunnymen – The Killing Moon
I like dark music with melody. That’s why I like Sabbath. And The Cure. And Echo.

Def Leppard – Let it Go
These guys were fifteen and sixteen back then. On hearing High n’ Dry for the first time, I couldn’t believe little cubs could rock like lions.

REM – Radio Free Europe
One of those songs they played on the radio every fifteen minutes until you’re like… Ok, ok, I like that song already. It’s great. No really, it is though.

The Police – Oh My God
While everyone was humming King of Pain, I was humming this one. And everyone thought I had weird taste since they’ve never heard Casey Kasem play it once on his show.

New Order – True Faith
I’m not much into dance music but New Order was one of those exceptions. Plus the video cracks me up to this day.

Umm… what else? Surely, there’s more. But, but… I don’t want my MTV no more.

So, there you go, Mike. Now, go watch Raising Arizona for the umpteenth time. I’ll forgive you. 🙂

Standing in the Rain

| Chris

I’ve got two things going against me here.

First, I’m not a story writer. However, I’ve written a few songs in my day. Songwriting is much easier for me. You don’t have to go through extreme details to convey a vivid message. Couple stanzas and you’re done. Haven’t you heard the great Joey Ramone proverb… Second Verse, Same as the First…? How much more vivid can you be?

happy boy Second, it’s naturally difficult for me to focus on the negative (an artistic limitation, you might say). And Selma’s writing prompt for this week seems to have that depressing connotation. At least, that’s what you normally think when you hear the line… You left me standing in the rain… isn’t it? So then, the challenge is to approach it in a positive light. And I did.

Turns out, that was the easy part. You can say, there’s a third concern that may have cost me my “quiet boy” reputation in the neighborhood. You see, my tools required more than just pen and paper. It also commanded the stark presence of my loud instruments and not-so-confident voice to create the song. And when you live in a flat and all the people next door ever hear is oohs and aahs and thumping of the drums, there’s a chance they might pass you off as being a nutcase. Or, worse!

Anyhow, onto the song… I wish I still have my basement and can sing as loud as I can without fear of being intrusive. But alas, I have to resort to quieting my voice for the time being. This means I couldn’t be as emotive as I want to, lest I get glared at the next time I say hello to the Pleasantville residents.

Well, enough said… I say, hey ho, let’s go!

Standing In The Rain

Never thought I’d be alone
Never thought I’d make it on my own
In the pouring rain
And the years they passed me by
Seems the thunder of your voice have faded
In the pouring rain

Though you, you left me standing in the rain
You, you saw me through my bitter pain

When the clouds embrace the sky
And the lightning strikes inside my mind
I’ll make it through
And when I try to touch your face
Just to find some comfort and some safety
I know you’ll find me, guide me

Though you, you left me standing in the rain
You, you saw me through my bitter pain
You, you left me standing in the rain
You, you saw me strengthened by the pain

As the sun begins to shine
And the birds begin to sing their song
And the waves of the ocean calms
I run to you

© 2008 Chris Alma Jose

I hate love

| Chris

No, not really. God, I hope not.

But I just wanted to give myself a shot at interpreting this seemingly embittered expression. It’s a writing prompt from Selma, by the way. Maybe next time I will be more visual through written words. But for now, here’s a photograph I took years ago when I was still married. It was from a bouquet of roses I gave my then wife.

Back then, I was naive enough to think that love was simple as it was beautiful. Like the flowers, it was gorgeous for a while and then one day, I’m like… uhmm, what happened?

Nothing lasts forever

Times were already rough when I took this shot. When I saw what happened to the roses after just a few days, I began to think that at some point, our marriage might somehow end up the same way. For the first time in my life, I started to fear that nothing could possibly last forever. Not even love.

So yes, you can say that I hated love for being so difficult on me. Back then, it seemed like I really did.

Mo Freddie

| Chris

I’ve just been passing time listening to Queen tonight and watching some Queen-related videos when I happened on this funny little bit. If you’re a Queen fanatic like I am, and knows a bit about Freddie Mercury and the band members, you’ll appreciate this. Not to mention… die laughing, too. The Lemmy part nearly took all the air out of my lungs. And Steve Riks is insanely hilarious with his Freddie impersonation.

Enjoy, Queen fans.